I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is wine microwaveable?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
