Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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