You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
