i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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