we have pet lesbian snakes
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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