I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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