Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
