evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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