I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
