she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
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the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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