Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm too high and old for this...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
