Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
