someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
