I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
