A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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