The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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