I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just had sex on a roof
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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