I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
