I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
