I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
