the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
As shirtless as possible
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
