Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
