i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
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I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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