My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
