Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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