Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
