It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
