I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
