I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
