So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
