I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
