I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
