Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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