I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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