I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
