You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
my liver is dry heaving
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
