I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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