sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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