My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I understand Curling. That high.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
