if only i could text you this smell
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
