i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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