if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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