Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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