Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm like, not good at living.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
