hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
