some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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