I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Let's paint friendship bongs
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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