oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
