Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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