Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
