I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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