weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
