i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
