Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
