i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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