I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
