If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My liver just broke up with me...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
